…helps you in ways you may never know or understand. I spend a lot of time supporting others…not because I want notoriety or even my support to be acknowledged quietly. I do it because it is the right thing to do. Some people need help and will ask for it. Some people need help and won’t say a word. I offer my help to others, some accept it, others pass. I support other artists by buying their work, displaying it for others to see or giving it away as a gift. I buy books because it helps an artist pay their bills. I buy CDs to listen to instead of downloading an album or song because I know that the artist gets a bigger proceed from it. Lately, I have been more mindful of where I spend my money. I was just conversing with a friend about how a certain health treatment reduces inflammation in my body but I don’t use it because it costs too much money. Once I thought about my statement, I realized it is untrue. I spend my money on things I really don’t need or that are unhealthy to me instead. So today, I am breaking up with Starbucks. The money I spend each month on Starbucks could allow me to use the health treatment twice a month instead, which would help me feel better. It is a good possibility that not consuming Starbucks in the first place would help reduce my inflammation. I’m not saying you have to break up with Starbucks…I’m saying I want to. Now my money will be spent on a small company that does good things for a persons health and not a sugar filled drink. I am choosing to support a small business now.

The bummer thing about supporting others is that…not all of them will reciprocate. I am an artist, I paint canvases and some of them sell…but as a writer….I do not seem to get support. Are people too lazy to read? Is it because I have a website and they might have to leave Facebook long enough to look at something else and that just isn’t an option for them? I do have one subscriber to my website, she actually makes comments and I thank her for that. I checkout her website and make comments to her posts. This is what supporting others is about. Maybe if more people would quit scrolling and actually stop, read and type a constructive response instead glossing over or buying things they don’t need, the world we live in would be a better place.

Take some time to support others…the common person…not the big box places…not the famous people…(I’m still confused why people put actors on a pedestal)…not the sports people (again, why do you spend your money on buying stuff to support the NFL? A kazillion dollar entity???). Supporting costs you nothing but time. Turn the TV off, get off Facebook and go support someone properly.

Peace out homies.

You know how people say, …”don’t let someone talk to you that way” or “don’t let anyone tell you what to do”? Well, I am here to tell you….who cares? Just because someone feels that they can talk to you poorly doesn’t mean you need to get into a pissing contest with them. Thank them for their opinion and walk away…let it go. All they are doing is projecting their past trauma onto you. They are looking to get a rise out of you. When they accomplish this, they won. Don’t let them win.

In a new relationship? Don’t talk about it. Keep it a close to your heart.

Bought a new car or some other nice material item? Don’t talk about it. Enjoy it without letting anyone know about it.

Someone broke your heart? Don’t talk about it. Grieve however long you need to, whichever way you need to and keep quiet about it.

Went on vacation and enjoyed yourself? Good for you! Now…don’t tell anyone about it. Keep it to yourself. Enjoy all your memories of it and bask in the happiness that you feel. Do you really need someone sarcastically saying to you: Vacation? My, aren’t you special? No…you don’t. You know why? It’s not your fault the choices they made in life never allowed them a vacation. It is on them. Not you.

Made a mistake and feel bad about it? Don’t talk about it. Figure out on your own if you need to apologize to this person or not. YOU deal with it…don’t take a survey on what others would do.

We have been conditioned to give our power away to others…to let others tell us how to do something….like they are an expert on the situation because they are book smart…but no matter what happens to you in life…NO ONE can say: I know how you feel because…they CAN’T….we are unique individuals and we all feel things differently than others. How we each deal with a situation is based upon our life experiences and I can assure you….we all experience life differently. We all react to life differently. For some, a tragedy scars them for life…others are able to look at it differently and move on and past the experience.

I hope you walk away smiling after reading this because you have happiness inside you and you are going to keep it close to your heart…

Peace out homies…

…for those I am blood related to. My father recently passed away and I have been going through photo albums….dismantling them…to share the photos with others. I cannot, nor want to, keep all of these photos. Most of the people captured on these pieces of paper are unknown to me. I am blood related to none of them, even my parents. I am adopted. When I first found my bio-mom, I wanted to know about the family tree. Over time, I came to question the point of doing so. Most of them are dead. There is nothing they can offer me because most of the people who know their story are dead. Who cares that they came from another country? Who cares that they were related to Abe Lincoln? Who cares that they rode with Jesse James? Does it make me better than anyone else? No.

I have been tasked with scanning old photos so that they can be added to an ancestry site. My thought is…why? Why are so many people infatuated with the past? Do they think the choices their ancestors made define who they are today and the choices they make? Do they know any of these people they are wanting photos of? The people who could identify the people in the photos are dead. This task feels like a wasted effort on my part. I just want all the photos gone so that I can move on to the next task that needs to be accomplished for cleaning out my parents home.

There is a freedom found in not knowing who you are blood related to. You have a clean slate not tarnished by shit others have done. I have found that family does not mean blood related. A family is a group of people who have your back, regardless if they are blood related to you or not. Those are the people I want to surround myself with. Some of my family I’ve never met but I know they will be there to support me in whatever I choose for my life. I will do the same for them.

Peace out homies

…shuffling together across the grocery store floor. I do not know where they were headed but he was pushing the cart, she was hanging onto his arm. They were both short…about the same height as I am…not like my parents who were taller. But…it hurt me…it made me cry…it made me miss my parents and how they were always together….dependent upon each other. Helping each other. I wish I could see them again like that…together, supporting each other. I had to dart down an aisle to get composed and went on to finish my shopping. A while later, I was headed back to the registers and saw them together in the hair care aisle….he was handing her hair scrunchies and clips as she chose the ones she wanted. Her hair was lighter grey than his, similar to my mom’s hair…and then I noticed the bruising around her temple and eye…a common thing for those who fall. One time I went over to my mom’s and she was reading a magazine but kept it in front of her face..eventually she lowered it and she had a black eye…she had fallen and hit her cheek. She jokingly said that she got too mouthy and dad whacked her…which got dad all spun up because he was afraid she would say this in public and the cops would come after him…but she tripped over one of those damn area rugs she put in front of the recliners and couches to protect the carpet…they did not protect her though. Over the years, those rugs caused many to trip.

I don’t know how long it will be before things like this no longer upset me. It is okay that it does upset me though…it just means I am not emotionally disconnected. At least I have the comfort of knowing that I was there for my parents for 57 years. I always lived within 40 minutes of them for 57 years.

Now it is my turn to move on to my next path in life. A new beginning in someplace new. I hope to be able to shuffle with my husband in the grocery store for many more years. We will be the short ones with silver hair….my husband will have a beard, I hope to not.

Peace out homies

…as I go through your keepsakes. Saving every card you were ever given…even the little cards that come with a bouquet of flowers. The Get Well cards from all of your surgeries. The home-made cards from all of us kids. Little letters written to you or dad from the grand-kids. So many papers labeled “IMPORTANT – KEEP!!!”. Like a little trail of breadcrumbs trailing back through your life. While each message in the cards are words of love based upon the holiday, your only words are: This means something to me, it is special to ME…the words are silent and only your heart can hear them.

Inter-mixed with these happy cards are the condolence cards…the obituary clippings of all the people who were your friends and family. Pressed flowers. Laminated book marks with the Lord’s Prayer on them. Little slips of memories from moments that have passed by.

It pains me to have to get rid of all these things that meant something to you. A lot of the senders I do not know. Possibly I knew them when I was younger but not now. Many of the senders have passed on to the other side of the veil. Possibly you have met up with them again. But…what am I to do with all these memories that were important to you? I have read a lot of them. I have taken note of how cards changed over the years…what was in style at the time, which is pretty cool to see. But again, it pains me to get rid of all these things of yours. If I do not do it now, someone else will have to do it when I have passed through the veil. I suspect someone will have to do the same with all of my things that I keep. Things that meant something to me. And that is okay. I often look around me and want to get rid of stuff, not because it means nothing to me but because I do not want my things to be a burden to someone after I die. Upon viewing all the things that meant something to you, it tells me a story about you and your life. All the photos that I have come across, when you and dad were younger…some are smiling pics…some are not…worry captured on your face or possibly…”I shouldn’t have drank that much” caught by the camera. So…I will keep some of your things, things that mean something to me too. And I will keep my things…the things that mean something to me. And the person who complains about having to deal with it all after I am gone…well, they can just kiss both of our asses…when they get to the other side. Love you much, Mom and Dad.

Peace out homies….

than yesterday….I don’t know why. Yesterday felt like it had angst wrapped around it…today feels, no, not today but…this evening feels like HOPE. I like this feeling. Breathing feels easier. The future looks more doable. I know we will accomplish what we set out to do. Wrapping up home projects looks more promising and feels like they can be done and we can move on…forward. Maybe it is the evening air….it feels like fall right this minute….which is my favorite season. Maybe it is because I reviewed my “funwork” that was assigned by one of my mentors. I reviewed what I had written and now….I feel lighter somehow. I think I finally accepted that I can move on to the future my husband and I have planned. I am no longer tied to self-imposed responsibilities. I no longer have as much on my plate as I did a month ago. I am so close to wrapping up my dad’s estate. This feels good. It feels hopeful.

Maybe it is because I have washed my hands from several family members and won’t let their words make me feel guilty. I plan on surrounding myself with people of the same vibrational level as mine. They must be HOPEFUL people.

Several nights ago, while pottying my doggo, there was something near the edge of the lawn…something light brown, tannish…it was about 15 inches high….I thought it was a rabbit at the time. Last night while locking the garage, a tannish owl was on the ground at the back of the garage and it took flight…a soundless flight…and flew about four feet off the ground to the same spot I saw a tannish animal a few nights ago. So we had seen an owl the other night. By the color and size, I am assuming it was a barn owl. We have a large female that flies by our home sometimes…more so in the fall than any other time of the year. Owls bring messages from the spirit world. The message was: you cannot save those who do not want to save themselves. I dreamt of my nephew who lives in a homeless camp in Seattle. I was pulling a wagon…possibly to bring him home…I pulled that wagon all over the encampment looking for him. I finally found him on some stairs with some other people his age. He looked tired. He looked strung out. He looked haggard but…he would not come with me. He said he was “good” where he was at. I felt sad walking away from him knowing that he has a good chance of being lost in this type of life has chosen. He has a good heart but he also has anger issues and was raised to believe he was a victim….that everyone was picking him. There were other people in the dream that I had not seen in a long time but I did not recall who they were after I awoke.

Maybe this is why I feel hopeful now. I know that it’s not my job to take care of and save everyone. Doing so lessens their chance of learning any life lessons. I can have empathy. I can have compassion…but it is not my job to tell them how to do their incarnation this lifetime. Doing so will not allow them to grow and expand their soul to enlightenment.

Peace out homies….

…”it” meaning…the family fighting. When my dad passed away in July and we had his services in August, I was a little surprised who showed up. I had not seen a few of them since 2009. We talked like civil beings. And laughed. I know more people wanted to be there than those who showed up but that is how life works sometimes. I realized that all this family fighting started with two women who didn’t want to be told what to do. One was pushing her son to “do the right thing” and the other did something so she wouldn’t have to take care of her sisters anymore. And this is where it all started. My niece and nephew were like the siblings I never had, mainly because my brothers were so much older than I was and they were never around to play with. My niece is only four years younger than I and my nephew…heck, I am fully unsure of his age but it is closer to my age than further away. So we spent each day together. I am unsure when the word “favoritism” started to pop up but it always does when you have an uneven number of kids hanging out together. As life went on, divorces happened, accusations were tossed about, we moved away to another state and I no longer had my “siblings”. My life went on. My niece and nephew’s lives went on too but not like I assumed they would.

Events happened to my niece and nephew that, more than likely, would not have happened if we had not moved away. Why? Because those two were always with me. If we had not moved, they would have been with me and their grandparents and life probably would not have dealt them the cards that they got.

Fast forward to the future and my brother, my niece and nephew’s dad, developed Alzheimer’s Disease at the age of 54. As it progressed, he needed more care than could be given from home. His angry outbursts, his massive size, reliving the Vietnam War, his loss of memory and not being able to operate a fork played a part in him landing in a facility. He landed in several homes and a stint in a mental health facility before the doctors could get his medications correct and keep him calm. By then, one matriarch was attacking the other for not handing over “inheritance” to his kids and the other matriarch was trying to come up with almost 10k a month for her sons care. This fight was the straw that broke the family dynamic. It had been degrading since my brother’s diagnosis but upon his death, the greed came out and somehow, the three amigos landed in the middle being forced by the matriarchs to choose sides.

When my dad died, I was tasked to clean out his home. It is still being done and there is so much to take care of. During this purge of his home, I have come across letters from the young matriarch to the elder one accusing her of causing divorces, dark “secrets” and just shit talking and letters from the elder matriarch to Senators and the like, begging for help with paying for her sons care. Each wanted to help their children; both of their hands tied due to the lack of a will from a man who no longer was of sound mind.

My mom passed away years ago, so I do not have to worry about anymore letters being sent from the younger matriarch. The young matriarch is older now and has the same disease that the elder matriarch passed away from. One day she will be gone too and maybe, just maybe, the three amigos can become one again.

Be kind to one another.

Peace out homies.

…and all you can do is say what.the.fuck?

My dad got sicker at the beginning of July and on July 13th, he died. I was there. I thought he was just sick from eating his breakfast but not long after, I knew he was dying. I wonder if he knew too? Did he know that throwing up was the beginning of the end?

Since that day, my life has been turned upside down. I went from calling my dad each evening at 7 pm to not talking to him at all. I have had to deal with an estate, people who took advantage of him and pay bills for things that are not mine. I have yet to mourn. I hope that someday I will get the chance. But for now….I keep moving forward on getting rid of almost 40 years of accumulation of “stuff”. I’ve been trying to find homes for the keepsakes. A lot of the stuff is older than 40 years because they brought it with them when they moved into this current home. I have learned that not all family members are as honest as they make themselves out to be and one relative took advantage of a dying man. But she no longer lives in my parents home and she no longer lives in this state. There really is no sense in arguing about any of it because it boils down to her word against a dead man who cannot speak for himself. There is a checkbook ledger and a credit card bill that speaks for itself though. She can tell her lies and half truths all she wants to those who want to believe her but they are only getting one side of the story. Karma is a bitch, so she will be held accountable one of her lives.

During this home purge, I have discovered many things. Some that make me smile, some that piss me off…some that leave me shaking my head. A few of those will be discussed in future posts. One thing that I have realized is that, we spend entirely too much money on cards. Yes, cards. Birthday cards, mother’s day cards, father’s day cards….cards in general. My parents kept them. They kept letters and notes from people who contacted them over the years. Some are nice to read, others pissed me off. Looking at all of these things made me realize that my parents were generous to others, often times, too generous. They gave people the benefit of the doubt and got screwed over in the end. I got to see the paper trail of a business deal with a friend that ended in a bankruptcy. The path of trying to get financial help for my brother who was dying form Alzheimer’s Disease. Letters from family pissed that my parents chose to use my brother’s money to pay for his own care instead of giving it to his kids as an inheritance. I have washed my hands from these people decades ago and to see what they wrote to my parents pisses me off. But they too will die someday and have to pay the Karma Bill.

This death has put what my husband and I wanted to do on hold. I hope this whole thing gets wrapped up sooner than later and we can move forward on our own plans.

Even though it might be difficult at times, keep being kind to each other. From this death, I have made re-connections with people I have not talked to in decades, which is a good thing. I have also learned to be less trusting with family members and their “good”intentions.

Peace Out Homies….

because the people in your life may not be here tomorrow. Each person has free will and are free to choose how they want to live their life. It hit me today that not all I come into contact with want to be responsible for themselves. They want the invisible daddy to take care of them, make choices for them, show them the “way” and allow them to not be responsible for any decisions that they make in their own life. I realize that I think differently than others and that I can count on one hand those who believe the same way that I do. Think about that….maybe five whole people are on the same wave-length as I am. We are able to look at science and know if we are being bullshitted or not. We have no desire to sit around and be fed lies and comforting words while slowly being killed. I think about the info I “feed” myself and try really hard to not have a reaction to some of the things I see people believing. So…instead of turning a blind eye to people who are not in my tribe, I walked away from many today. I unfollowed many on my Facebook friends list. I left a whole bunch of groups that only wanted me to be a part of them because I bought something. I know that many of these social group websites are often thought of as being the ONLY place a person gets social interaction but…seriously people…have ya ever thought about using your phone to call someone instead of putting your woes on social media? I do hope this comes back into style again…you know…actually talking to someone and hearing their voice. I make time to send people cards and art items out of the blue. I never expect anything back but sometimes the Universe says…”hey…this person needs a hug…” and you send them something and…I’ll be damned if they respond with how much they needed what I sent because they were going through a low point in life. Some of these people may not be here tomorrow…so make contact with them today. Just spread some love and caring….each.and.every.day. You never know who might need it.

and you call UNCLE.
Today…I started out well…a walk, which was needed and then some errand running…and then…I had an…epiphany….or an enlightenment…or SOMETHING…anyhow, something happened in my mind. I call it a light bulb moment but it was more like a “fuck it” moment. I am 57 years old. I have moved several times. I had carried so much “stuff” with me each time…today…it felt different for some reason. I don’t know if I was angry or what it was but….all the boxes that I have packed with art I have created and canvases that I had prepped for reuse….I pulled it all out and put it down by the road. I thought to myself…Pam…why are you bringing this with you to Wyoming? You have not had a proper art room for decades… why do you keep the hope that you will get one once you move to Wyoming? It could be another decade before you have your own space. It isn’t that you don’t deserve your own space..it is more like…it isn’t important to anyone but yourself. So…I took everything out to the road. I put a “FREE” sign up and…slowly…things disappeared. Some people actually walked up the driveway to give me money…not much…really didn’t cover the materials but….it said something about themselves. It said: I value the passion someone put into something, whereas, if you put something out here by the road that you can buy any old place and put a free sign on it…well, I am willing to pay “free” for it….but art…you put some heart into it. This really helped with my view on humanity and how far we have fallen from where we need to be…there is still hope for us….people still value people’s passion…and this means so much to me.

It makes me sad how much money I have spent on my art but now…I don’t have the weight of it dragging me back from the next path in my life. Letting go of this art has made me think about art supplies…I guess those will be on the butcher block next….